published: 18 November 2016
duration: 12' 06"
Presented by: Gareth Jones
#294 “A Breifly Historymost Of The Motoring Cart”. Gareth gives a peek forward to some of the music coming to the show in the future. Professor Stanley Unwind in the language known as Unwinese, looks at the entire history and possible future of the car.
In 1987 Gareth had the privilege of working with the real Professor Stanley Unwin on TV.
Profesor Stanley Unwind - A Briefly Historymost Of The Motoring Cart.
In the first inventymost there was the motor cart. Advancy with the suckit squeezey bang and blow allowed a propulismode without horse muck all spoil it on the street.
It was the great professor Carl ”de carmacher” Benz who with the Benz Patent-Motorwagen (later opty Black series AMG) who in 1886 and then again in 1886 first praticalled the Stuttgart Taxi.
Later Henry Grandaddular Edsel Mercury Lincoln Ford came forth with the Fraud Modally T- known to many of course as Phil Lynott. Now “many” is the principle here, Henry too busy tall hat and smoking jacket to buildie so many flivvers all using his hand and a hammer, so instead made with “an productivity line” over 15 million of these cars…… all by himself! Oh great is the capitalist who frees the work it-labour trudgeman. Like a Ford corporate “going forward” bringing gratley names Fraud Concertina, Fraud Thurderturd, and of couse Ford Prefect as featured in The Hichhikeymost Guide to The Ford Galaxie.
Then a dark cloud came with world-war Hitler with the Kdf Wagen futuristic and backward motor but floaty, sturdy drop it in a white room gave rise to the Volkscart in all variants of Beetle John, Paul, George and George Beetle.
Later Britain’s Englymost Isssigiosissisisis with pipe and hat used his trilby and slide-ruling to turn a sideways engine from where it was all long and wrong to where it would fit in a car small enough to fit on a worky class wage packet. Paul McCartery, John Lemming, Mary Quantum slinging 60s all over the Crapbarnaby Street, with mini skirt getting in and out.
And with this liberty came the freedom to traffic jam, where all the peoples of the Earthworld said “Ah yes we’ll drive it stick shift and motorway too”. And so the planet drove around the planet in a cart, everywhere from Nova Scotia to Nova Scotia.
The motoring cart offered many greats, work arriving, holiday driving even just driving to pleasure yourself. All love bus and doggitt from the sexy E-Type Jugular penis down to the humbleode and powered cardboard two-stroke Trabant. Lovely.
Carts then in the 70s got bigger and smaller in the 80s unlike hair follicle head growth, which the opposite did.
Suddenly with all the carts being driven on one day, the motorist made what we scientists call the “Fool Crisisies”. The country Arabland said “5 pennies more for a barrel of road juice and not a penny less”. But instead President Horse-and-Carter of the USA of A said “Everybody now, listen, we must drive at 55 miles per hour – whether on high street or Interstate”, Oh folly! But then one day Henry Kissinger the girls and made them cry said “No more Viet Nam in the Sinai desert” oh no, and so Sheik OPEC ben al Hydrocarbon said America would all fountain with bubbly oil again ……and carts could once again do 56 miles of an hour.
But then the Land Of The Rising Datsun started making carts with transistor and early anime. Using electricity better than The Austin-Morris hand crank handle hit it to start “Come On My darlin’” disappointment (come on my darlin’). And so carts got better and from somewhere else. Now Chevrolets were Toyotas, Rovers were Hondas and Triumphs were a disaster. Oh dear folly.
But as the saying goes “Out of the ashes comes two in the hand” the Morris Oxford carnivorous plant was bought by Bernd Pischetsrieder who said “Build a MINI not small but large, gross enough to use capital letters and to be seen by Americans, from space”.
Suddenly without warning there was a “The Global Warning”, now everybody must not drive a low brid oh dear no, and must drive a Prius because the first law of theremodynamics says a battery and an electric motor and the infernal congestion motor must live in hybrid harmony and synergy together under the bonnet of an Uber.
Thanks to the dottie com, revolutionary leader Elon Muskrat bought a Tesla with Paypal, and because his cart would be built on the internets and on Mars his cart would be electrical and have autopilot mode, mode.
And so, is this the end of that petrol emotion? Dear listener? Or will it hang on as long as it can like Gaz Top without a tellyshow only on 50 Greatest Kids Clips? Oooh. Only the times will tell, unless the Daily Morrow also publishit.
And in the futures? Time will serpently tell, a shorter clock for fast charging – safe in the charge of Samsung. Beyond that there will be driverless carts with no driver and not even a cart, nothing to call your own, just an app that sends a Johnnie Cab that will drive us.
Hovercars, nuclear supercars that run on soup, deep folly! but when Macintosh upsets things with the Apple iCart non-stop induction charging at around $5 dollars per gigabyte perhaps the wheel will turn full circlebold and the cart of the future will come to an end, just as it had once begun when it didn’t exist in the first place.
Written, performed & produced by Gareth Jones.
Music: TeknoAxe - Trail to Your Destiny